7. I was once like you, I thought people were phonies. But I found out that behind people's moisturized skin, confident smiles, and brand-name clothes is flesh and blood, and it's a lot of blood. Too much blood in fact. I screamed at how much blood there was.

29. If there were most bottomless abysses around, maybe more people would watch there step. and carry around ipods, and wouldn't use parachutes as often, or when they use the parachute,.they think to themselves, wouldn't it be ironic if I parachuted into a bottomless abyss.

39. I'd have sex with a mermaid. And I don't care if the parts don't line up right, I would just need some friction. It's not like I'm in it for the mermaid babies.

41. I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit together at the table of brotherhood, and my uncles there with a baseball bat, and my father is screaming at me about a fish, the clock is running backwards, and I trip and fall forever.

43. If we found out that our universe was literally the bathroom for an alien race, then it would be the elephant in the room, but then all elephants would be in rooms and the phrase elephant outside the room would replace it, because if there was an elephant outside the room, we would have to talk about the trans-dimensional elephant traveler, because he would hold the key to the solution to our situation.

27. I've been reading some Sigmund Freud lately. Who here likes the father of psychoanalysis. Oh, I see the grimaces on your faces. You probably want to say, "Don't you mean Sigmund Fraud!!!! The big fat phony, faking his way to the top through quackery and intellectual shenanigans." WHy are you so fucking harsh! Do you even know the guy? What about clowns? They are the worst of phonies, fakers. Could you imagine having intercourse with a clown! How could you take them seriously? But we give them all this lee-way, as if it's their first day on the job of life. As if they are infants, unexposed to our dark jaded culture.

I mean Freud wore bow-ties. Maybe if he wore make-up, and was more sexually confusing for children, we'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

Well, anyway I am delving into Freudian thought, in its deep profoundity, its subtle nuances. And I came across an interesting fact. Everything is a penis. with the exception of napkins, electric/acoustic guitars, and incidentally some vaginas. and on a related note March is a fine month for garage sales. I'm keeping the woolen goods though. If it itches you have the right to scratch it, that's in the Geneva Conventions.

37. My father is an avid hunter. Name an animal and he has shotted it mounted it. It's better to do it in that order.

18. When I went to elementary school there was this kid that had some problems with his body. He had a stunted left leg, a slightly large head, and balance problems. We didn't let him play sports with us. We probably could have been more considerate. But our heart was in the right place. His was over here.

28. Why do Cubans come here?... It's all over the stage.

38. Only in two situations do you have to line up shortest to tallest: elementary school and gang bangs.

32. Have you ever stared at a lamp all day, and your eyes get really tired, and you become demoralized, and you think about how much of your life is wasted looking at that lamp. Fuck lamps!

9. According to the turing test when a computer can successfully imitate a human being through text-based conversation we call it a person. When you replace the computer with a grown white man and "human being" with "15 year old asian girl", we call it a "sexual deviant".

6. I hate bosses always telling me what to do. "Could you get down from there?," "Hey, get down from there." "How many times do I have to tell you to get down from there?"

20. I only use gender inclusive pronouns. Like instead of saying, Man's greatest achievement is the development of the modern state, I talk about urination.

14. Scientists say that there are thousands of people with accessory breasts. I say that there are millions, they are called ugly people.

8. I like touching breasts, and I like having sex. After some experience, I have learned a valuable lesson, don't engage in both at the same time. Divide and Conquer!!!

17. I don't know what is going wrong with my job interviews. I always manage to get a severed foot in the door.

1. I disagree with the quote "shoot for the moon, you'll land among the stars." In reality though you would continue hurdling through space until you hit a star and burned to death.

12. I am a philosophy student: we debate whether shit happens, or is enduring. I ate Taco Bell yesterday, and as it turns out, it's both.

11. Why don't women respect me when I burn bras?

36. I'm against wearing fur or leather. It's not that I love animals. I just don't think they are very good looking. Except for dolphins, I could wear dolphin.

33. I don't buy the whole life is a highway metaphor. Who enjoys driving down US highways for long stretches, perhaps even all night long. I'm killing myself, or taking a day trip.

21. I once met a genie and asked him for three wishes. First, I asked for peace. Second, I asked for happiness. Third, I asked for more wishes. And then the genie said, you can't have more wishes. You broke the rules, I won't grant you your first wishes either. Read the fucking rules.

34. I was at a bar downtown, watching the bartender mixing a bloody mary and giving him a piece of my mind on some issue, probably saying something really classy, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a mysterious woman sitting at the end of the bar, she was sipping a blue martini, a rare sight in this particular dive, holding a long slender ivory cigarette holder, wearing spandex, a zorro-esque mask, and emitting an aura of slightly-questionable justice.

19. Jesus probably is the cannibal's forbidden fruit. If I were a cannibal, I would tell my children, eat ye man of any nation, but of Jesus the sun of God, thou shalt not eat.

10. STD's must be pretty bad, I'm smart and I'm not getting laid.

35. There's something funny about Nazis, You know when Hitler and his cohorts marched down the Champs-Elysees, the French probably overheard the German and laughed, man, it sounds like they are angry all the time. Then a few weeks passed and the French probably though, oh man, they ARE angry!

Some people believed that the U.S. air force once worked on a gay bomb. something that I would be dropped and turned everyone gay. I think this is ludicrous and completely unthinkable. If anything they are going to gay us up through the water supply.

4. Recently I've read that Jesus was pretty great. But, there's a zombie in Brazil that killed more people.

16. Hitler bound books with human skin. This guy I know had the Tao te ching tattooed to his back. Who sounds like the bigger douchebag? They both had moustaches.

30. I used a ouija board one time, who knew that there were so many letters?

26. My girlfriend is terrified of the penis. Maybe its all the make-up

15. Man breasts are idiopathic. We must each develop our own means.

31. Saying Merry Christmas isn't PC anymore. If you say Merry Christmas you are marginalizing the Muslim and Jewish communities, because they also celebrate hannukah and ramadan during the month of December. Let's just push those two holidays back a few months.

22. Why does brainstorming sound incredibly dangerous?

3. Fish are worthless pets, they don't seem to make it very long. If you want sympathy, get a dead dog.

2. Do or do not, there is no try. Is this supposed to motivate you. Yoda just kind of hung out in a swamp and ate rats.

I am claiming my blog now. Up until tonight, suprdialect has served several purposes, but they have all been petty. I used it to invent new ways of constructing sentences, to test how deep into parentheses I could go, to spout inauthentic ironic pseudo-philosophical blather. None of it was in earnest. I am sorry if I have offended anyone along the way.

I am not as topsy-turvy or interesting as I hoped suprdialect to be. In fact, I am 22 years old, sitting in an apartment in Minneapolis, waiting for my girlfriend to return from the car impound lot. I have been vacillating between the bed and the couch, carrying my laptop and watching episode after episode of the first season of 30 rock on my girlfriend's netflix account.

I feel somewhat sick and have perhaps taken too much aspirin. Not enough to do any damage, but an adequate amount for making ewerything a little fuzzy. I never take painkillers, today was an exception.

The story I tell myself and undoubtedly have told many others is that I am stuck waiting for my life to continue. I decided to take a year off from school after finishing my undergrad, before going to graduate school in philosophy. I worked for my father for awhile in an office. I wasn't a very productive worker and really didn't know what I was doing. I quit at the end of September and started working at a hardware store morning stock. I was late for a few shifts (I started at five), and I quit around the middle of November. In my hometown I really didn't have anyone to hang out with and spent a lot of time alone in my apartment watching movies and playing guitar. I worked on my grad school applications, though at a very slow pace, which weren't due until mid-January. I turned them in and headed down to the cities and moved in with my girlfriend.

I've only heard back from one school so far. I've been accepted to a PhD program with a tuition waiver and a 18K/year stipend, so I am somewhat relieved.

Now I am in the city with no money and no job. I am going on a trip with my father and brothers in midMarch, so I can't get hired anywhere yet. I am basically leeching off my parents and girlfriend right now and I feel horrible about it.

That is about all I want to say now.

My member has snuck away, more ever forever snuck away, alas a member snuck away beneath plaid, golden ducks, denim, two cupped hands. My trousers are a badger hole. Consider them, prod and poke them with scientific instruments and tacky magnifying glasses, the wise Dakota on the edge of the prairie could quite assuredly tell you, there's something in there, but we dare not wait around til' he charges out with his stripes and red eyes.

You say boring! Old shoes. Old Hat!!! Pots and pans, shower handles.

Well, yeah, I'm a bore.

I know that people get pissed off at movies and rap songs that glamorize inner city gangster life, but what about Disney cartoons that glamorize animal life, do you know what it’s like to be an animal. It’s kill or be killed. Do you know that 3 out of 5 deer will never meet their real father? Do you know that 1 in 4 people who transform into mystical human-animal hybrids end up in mental institutions?

The next few weeks were hell, dirty muddy hell! Yeah, the dudes stuck around. They put me in my room, took away my phone and computer privileges. They mocked me and beat me, and laughed their asses off. Worst of all, they took all my dirty magazines and ruined them. I kept telling them that I was going to escape, but every time that I made my intentions known, they made it more difficult for me to move.
Gary’s favorite thing to do was sit on my legs until they fell asleep, and then he’d untie my legs and let me try to walk down the stairs and out the door. And one time I made it down, well I mean without falling and getting a concussion. But then I couldn’t open the door, and that is when I first saw the dog, growling and looking really mean.
His name was Cerebus, which Smith thought was really clever. He was like the dog from the Omen, you know that movie with the demon-child in it. He was mean too, tearing up furniture, really wrecking up the place.

I cudnt quite finger the fact of the matter, so I asked Gary the next day, "Sorry, I feel like I've been asking you a few questions. and perhaps they'd be to many for the most of men. But Cerebus, isn't that the dog from Hell, and that's why you're laughing right? Because you are talking about Hell. What are we trying to do here? What are we supposed to be accomplishing? Because, you know that you are doing this all the wrong if you are wishing to scare me to shit."

Gary took a gun out of the back of his pants and shone it in the sunlight. He yelled BAM BAM BAM as he made sharp motions of recoil, shooting up into the air like a drunk cowboy. "Are we not real enough for you? Are we fake? Cuz, I don't see you getting into the drama."

"No Gary. You're not fake, I mean, you're more real than Zombies, or men from Mars, or Femme Fatales, or Kali the God of Death. Those things are fake and fakey. But, they can scare me more, the characters have much more flair. And the whole pace to this thimg/

At first I didn't recognize the voice, after years of listening to myself in my head, I knew my voice well afterall. nasally, slightly sharp, and lethargic. No this voice, was slightly more booming. I tried mimicking it aloud, but I couldn't do as a parrot. The voice came again slightly louder and I was able to pin point it slightly behind my brain. Odd, for I usually hear myself slightly below the middle of the cerebellum.

It wasn't me afterall. So I started listening (I usually tune myself out... all pointless dribble). The voice claimed to be Yahweh, lord of the Jews, merciful sun god, protector of mankind. I am a natural skeptic (especially regarding dinosaurs), so I asked him a question only God and I would know I.e. how I had coped with the horrible breakup I had with Britta last spring. HE WENT OVER ALL MY moods, revisited the nasty phone calls I had made and told me that I was better off without her. He told me that he, God, would always be there for me and was a good listener.
after we cried together for a while, I pour myself a glass of cherry rum and sat down in my lazyboy.
God told me to brace myself. Woah, I said, I just got myself through a pretty difficult time in my life. and I could use some time to reevaluate my situation and grow a little bit. But, God told me a story about Jesus and how he didn't act like a woman when his feelings were hurt. Jesus just hopped right back on that donkey and rode into the sunset.

So I braced myself.

Turns out I have been chosen to be God's representative here on earth and not in some lazy evangelical manner. God has put his trust in me to become the Holy Emperor of the whole lot of this earth. I am to judge justly and show the bountiful riches of Gods kingdom. No joke! and if you doubt me just ask God yourself. that is if you know how to hear his sonorous baritone.

I am not insidious. It is God's will for his will to be knownM so I'm putting it out there. Emperor Bill is a friend to all, insofar as they believe in him. I will alert you to all the developments in this most historic of developments.

They wished to build a machine
for all the deluded
for all the ignorant
they shut their myopic eyes
they slowed down their brains
welded rabbits ears to their skulls
plugged their ears with octopus outlets
and finally gave them a big fat dose of reality
in their brains math was clear
all conspiracy theories reduced to laughter
and suddenly they confronted this world sans hallucinations
and lived their lives in their tiny little skulls in utter sanity

Wittgenstein's Logisch-Philosophische Abhandlung

Above all the noise and clatter of our day to day, our sidewalk ponderings, our boisterous dinner table speeches, our coffeehouse campaigns, perhaps we hunger for an earnest discussion of what has been wholly wanting in our politic --- that is earnestness itself. I speak not of the most banal of judgments concerning the high hypocrisies of legislating moralizers, nor the severly misplaced and self- aphyxiating comments about one's desired objects of pandering. Rather I speak of a systemic dearth of earnestness itself. An illustration may best suit as preface.( Read more... )

We had to bring in Stanley today. It looks like we're going to have to put him down next week.